The Pain I Feel

At times pulsing and convulsing
Coursing through my veins
Heart pumping and head pounding
Tears come down in streams

I cry out for the pain to end
Trying to take yours away
On my wounded knees I bend
So that you can be happy someday

I feel your struggle and hear your thoughts
As if they were my own
The relief you're seeking can't be bought
But the seeds have already been sown

Though you may not know me
I feel you clearly
How I wish you could see
That you are loved so dearly

Somewhere deep inside
You know that you have what it takes
To rise up from where you hide
And get out of that dark place

I'll share this sunshine with you
Any time you're ready
The hope is just a clue
Of the climb that is steady

For you are an amazing gift
Full of life from within
We all have sand to sift
Looking ahead is where to begin

Please don't fret
Because you're not alone
Whatever you do, don't forget
You're always welcome home

Playing Hurt

I think middle fingers are symbols of strength and rebellion.  Mine have been through quite a bit, and seem to be a reflection of my own life, in a way.

When I was seven I fractured one of my middle fingers playing baseball.  I played catcher one game, but used a regular glove instead of a catcher's mit.  Despite that injury early on my love for baseball continued and I wound up being a pretty good player (though stayed away from being a catcher).

A few years later when I was 11 my coach over-threw the first baseman during base running drills at practice and hit me in the face.  I wound up with my eye swollen shut and seven stitches in my eyebrow, but I only missed one game.

When I was 13 I ripped open my other middle finger during basketball practice by touching the top of the doorway and getting it caught on the "x" in an exit sign.  I got nine stitches, but still played as soon as I got my stitches out.

At 15 I got hit in the face with a baseball again before a game.  This time I didn't need stitches, but I broke my nose, which bled slowly for over a week and had two black eyes, and still played in that game.  Every day now I am reminded of that incident when I look in the mirror and see my crooked nose.

Then I was out of school and didn't play sports for a while, but the injuries took different forms.   I suffered through a self-destructive phase but came out on the other end using my experiences to help others.

However, it wasn't the end of the physical injuries either.  A few years ago I tried to catch a falling glass (I know, not smart), and I cut my middle finger deeply and my ring finger as well.  I got 17 more stitches between the two.  I wound up having some nerve damage, but figured out how to keep typing (as a content writer and web publisher I spent most of my time on a keyboard) and got through a very difficult financial time.

Now I'm dealing with other forms of hurt, and once again trying to play through it.  What other choice is there, really, other than deciding that you will overcome the adversity and work to achieve your goals.  I have to remind myself that in each and every case I put myself in the position to get hurt to cause it directly or indirectly, but I don't regret being there or doing what I was doing at any of the times, despite the pain I had to deal with.

Two days ago I was cleaning out my car before going on a long drive and reached under the seat and took a layer of skin off the back of the same middle finger I had already gotten stitches in twice.  I looked and had to laugh to myself when I saw how beat up that finger is in its scarred and disfigured state, but like the symbolism of the middle finger, I'm pressing on regardless of the obstacles because it's the right thing to do.

In the past week I've had a chance to have conversations with two very cool people who I have only briefly known, both of whom are battling their own scars and injuries.  I hope I was able to enhance their lives as much as I feel enriched by being able to share such deep conversations with relative strangers.

Both of these people also watched my new film, Curing Addiction, after my conversations with them, and I hope it was able to have an additional positive impact on their lives.  So far the feedback from it has been great, and its ability to help people is a huge validation for having persisted despite the personal barriers I had to overcome in the last few months to even get it completed.

And so, once again I look at my middle finger and invite others to raise theirs as well and say a big "f___ you" to the challenges you have to face while going down your own path.

Sometimes you just gotta play hurt.

I encourage others to try and stay true to their own ideals and be honest with themselves as they work through the adversity, as I try to do the same.

What I Believe

I believe in the inherent goodness of people.

I believe in each individual's right to communicate.

I believe in treating others with compassion and respect.

I believe in personal responsibility, but also forgiveness.

I believe that people can change.

I believe that people create their own future.

I believe that problems in life are meant to be overcome and are part of living.

I believe in setting a good example for others.

I believe we all have the fundamental ability to heal - ourselves and others.

I believe that a person's character is measured by the sum of their actions, not brief windows in time.

I believe that art mediums can relay ideas more powerfully than plain words.

I believe in the wondrous enthusiasm and playfulness of children.

I believe that helping others in life brings great satisfaction.

I believe in seeking your personal truths.

I believe in love.

I believe in you.

Navigating the Human Experience

We are currently in a culture in America where we are discouraged to be ourselves and actually experience life.  What I mean is that there are continual influences that are aimed at convincing us we should be, do or feel something different than who we really are and what we really want for ourselves.

The best example of this I can think of this the constant barrage of advertising for prescription drugs to change our moods, when the actual fact is that despite any short-term benefit that an artificial substance may appear to have, they really rob us of living.  One of the best parts of life is getting to feel things and experience them, which include both the highs and lows and everthing in between.  Pain, suffering and loss is something that everyone has to go through, but if you're really living true to yourself then you will also experience, love, joy, excitement, nervousness, boredom, pride and exhiliration.

One of the ways we encounter these various emotions is by creating problems for ourselves, whether consciously or not.  It's the basis for all good stories, too; someone has a goal or ambition, but there are obstacles in the way.  We even create more problems sometimes in an effort to solve other ones, and this isn't always bad.  What counts is that you are truthful and honest with yourself about your intentions, and whether or not you are treating others in life the way you would want them to treat you in return.  If you are doing those things and working toward achieving those ambitions then the troublesome spots in life don't seem as bad and don't last as long, because the positive will always outweigh the negative, even though we go through difficult situations at times.

However, if you follow the mainstream media and believe the world is overshadowed with evil and tragedy, then of course you will feel bad more often.  We also become more susceptible to the marketing efforts of drug companies, believing that their latest pill is going to be the one to change all of that for you.

Another aspect of the drive to be something artificial is the celeb-centric false idolization of some famous people because of what they wear, what they look like or who they date.  Real celebrities and idols should have some positive impact on our lives, not make us feel worse for not having what they have.  True artists do what they do because they enjoy it, because it really is who they are, and because they feel they have something to communicate.  These people enhance our culture, and thankfully there are celebrities who are also true artists and even humanitarians as well.

While of course there is nothing wrong with wanting something more or better for yourself or your life, but those should be goals you are working on, not used against you as a constant reminder of something you aren't or don't have.

There are also other influences in groups that can have a negative effect on lives as well.  One example could be where a handful of school kids pick on one of their classmates simply because the leader of the group does, despite knowing for themselves it's not okay and feeling bad for doing so.  It's not just kids where this applies though, there are plenty of situations as adults in which this occurs as well.

One of the biggest is in the area of religion.  Sometimes people become convinced that the other person or group must be wrong or evil, despite the inner realization that it is not true, yet the divisiveness grows and becomes more solid.  Look at the Westboro Baptist Church scenario.  Despite their actions, I do not believe that all of the people in that congregation are bad.  I just feel that they fell victim to group agreement created by a leader who appears to be insane.

In addition to religions, we also see this among political parties and countries.  Individuals become so convinced that the others are bad and even go to war in some cases where the soldiers themselves don't really even know why they are there or what they are fighting for, other than that is what their leader says to do.

When we begin to criticize and judge others without really knowing them then we are actually creating our own enemies.  Only a very small number of people in this world are truly insane or evil, but when we begin to label others and create more divisions then we box ourselves in by doing so.  I know I've found myself doing that before and I am truly apologetic for judging people instead of simply allowing them to be who they are and accepting that they are not me.

We have to allow people to be themselves.  Sometimes this can be difficult due to the conditioning and influences in our lives, but we become less of our true selves every time we completely condemn another person.  I'm not saying to just allow everyont to have a free-for-all on anything and everything and not do anything about it, but what I am saying is that sometimes you just have to let people experience life just as you are willing to experience it yourself.  Sure, it's fine to have opinions and offer advice or try to reason with people in a conflict, but at the end of the day they are still entitled to be who they are.  People are inherently good-natured, and the more you validate their humanity then the more you will see and experience goodness in return.  Living by example isn't just a virtue, it is a natural law.

So please, try and see the beauty in things around you, even those things that are different and that you even find annoying.  If someone in your life is trying to influence you otherwise, it's okay to question why.  After all, the experiences in life are the reason for living.  I don't think it's an idealistic or Utopian concept, because this means accepting the conflicts as well and working through them, not the deletion of all problems.  The world wouldn't be any fun if we didn't have problems to solve, and artificially covering them up isn't going to work either.

We can improve those experiences simply by shifting our own viewpoint a bit, and then working toward the continued betterment of ourselves, our families, friends and associates, activities and workplaces as well as our environment.

Fond Memories of Live Music

Growing up my dad and my brother both have had a real love of music, and as a result I was introduced to many  types.

My first concert (when I was 8) was Huey Lewis and the News at the Capital Centre in Washington, DC.  That was a very cool experience as my first live concert.  Then we moved to Georgia and I got to see Bruce Springsteen at the old Omni (since replaced by Phillips Arena), followed by Robert Plant.  It was funny because I was only 10 yrs old at Robert Plant and I was so tired that I actually fell asleep in my seat during the concert before it was over.  Tom Petty was another classic that I'll never forget.

In high school one of my favorite concerts was Stone Temple Pilots at Lakewood Amphitheater. I loved those guys.  Later I saw Carlos Santana at the same venue.

While I didn't seem to possess the same veracity of fanhood as my dad and brother for many artists, I did get exposed to more music than I would have sought out on my own, especially since I listened to a lot of rap.

On my 21st birthday my brother and I saw Kid Rock doing an interview at a bar and he walked up and asked him and the DJ for tickets to the show the next night, which he got.  We went down and brought some friends and saw Staind open and then Kid Rock at the Cotton Club.  That was an awesome show.

The biggest variety of music came at the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival.  That is something that I think all music lovers should experience at some point in their lives.  The whole vibe is incredible, and over the few times I went I got to see some memorable shows by Dave Matthews Band, CC Adcock, North Mississippi All Stars, Galactic, John Hyatt, Jimmy Buffet, and so many more.  That's really when I became a closet Blues lover.  Some electric slide guitar and a raspy voice seems to set the mood for some great writing for me, and getting to see people like Tab Benoit, Walter Trout and many others is something I could do every night and be happy.

I really have to thank my dad for his introducing me to so much.  His love of music has continued to grow since my childhood.  He formed a band that played at my high school graduation and over the years at many places in North Georgia, organized two music festivals, operated a live music club for a year, and has since moved on to managing bands and having his own record label and publishing company by forming InTune Entertainment.  Through his endeavors I have even started to listen to some country music (which I resisted before).  I also really enjoy two acts he works with currently, the Adam Craig Band and the Chris Weaver Band.

Something About Tolerance

In my expansion of understanding of myself, others, and life in general, I have recently been focused on one word that seems to be most applicable to my viewpoint: tolerance. According to dictionary.com, tolerance is "a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry."

I am applying this to my current project, which is a documentary film about substance abuse treatment philosophies not based on the traditional 12 step model or the disease theory of addiction.

As a result of seeing a reciprocation of this approach, I've found myself applying it to other areas of life as well, and can directly see the positive results. To me, tolerance in relationship building (or repairing) is about finding common ground, or points of agreement, to then build on. This creates a shift away from disagreement and a breakdown in an ability to sanely communicate and instead moves toward a desire to work in accordance with toward a shared goal. I strongly recommend others trying this and see what benefits they have in their life as well.

The Power of Decision

Despite hearing and reading about the power of decision for many years, I am just now re-experiencing it for myself.  I have had several years of indecision and inactivity in certain areas of life, especially career-wise, and I recently just decided to move forward with a film project I'm working on.

As a result I'm more excited about my work than I have been in a long time.  There are challenges and barriers, for sure, but with the earlier decision and dedication to it I have so far been able to pick up steam instead of losing it.  Prior to this, I would start on something, but then either never finish it, do a poor job of it, or simply drop it completely in favor of the bread-winning duties only.

Another positive thing that has become of this is that I have become more productive overall when I feel like I'm accomplishing something, or at least working toward my new goals actively.  This production and decision stuff does carry with it a casualty or two, but the reorganization that is lining up will be worth it in the end, despite the bumps along the way.

So, the years of "should I or shouldn't I" are now behind me and my renewed self-confidence and accomplishment through decision is here and present in my future as well!

Exclusivity and Elitism - Where is the Line Drawn?

Usually when I hear the word "exclusive" as a description of some type of special offer, group or opportunity, I view it as a good thing - like I'm possibly getting in on something really cool.  The idea of going to an exclusive resort or having an exclusive deal for marketing a product seems great, but what about the flip side?  A more common (and benign) example could be the Apple iPhone exclusive deal with AT&T.  Many people didn't get one because they only had one choice for a carrier, but the company benefited because it gained millions of new customers because they wanted that phone.  However, if you look at it now with Verizon on board, it seems like a better deal for people all around (unless you're AT&T).

Looking at the root word - exclude - gives another angle to the word though.  The first definitions for exclusive listed in the Mirriam-Webster Online Dictionary are: 1a. excluding or having power to exclude  b. limiting or limited to possession, control, or use by a single individual or group.  2a. excluding others from participation  b. snobbishly aloof.  This sounds more like elitism, where the same resource has this for its second definition:  the selectivity of the elite; especially : snobbery <elitism in choosing new members>.

After looking at those it doesn't seem so inviting to me.  There are definitely times and places in this world where exclusivity is much more harmful than good.  I have been a part of cliques before that were exclusive, and I wound up losing connections to good people just because the group mentality taught me to think I was better than those other people in some way.  It took me years to shake that idea, but I still see it being practiced to the detriment of otherwise good-intentioned people.  I think trying to be inclusive is a much better approach.  It is at the very least much more inviting doesn't automatically throw up walls or barriers.

While there are still some exclusive possessions I'd love to have, I wouldn't exclude my friends and family from enjoying them.  These would include visiting my enormous home, driving my ridiculously expensive and fast cars and riding in my private jet.  Not that I have any of those yet, but if you are a friend of mine, don't worry, because you'll get to share in those experiences too.  The notion would apply to knowledge and other things as well.  But next time someone tries to convince you that someone or something is less just because they're from a different place or believe something different, don't let their influence cause you to exclude others, and I'll try not to either.

Who We Really Are

Earlier tonight, as my wife was flipping through channels she stopped on Michael Jackson's This Is It.  At first I didn't care to see it, but then I caught a glimpse of something I've never noticed before about him.  I saw a man, an amazing artist, who truly wanted the best for others and used his music and dance as an extension of his love for all living things.  I saw someone who really cared, and who enriched the lives of millions of people throughout his life.

While I admit to liking several of his songs, I've never considered myself a huge fan of his music.  However, what I saw in those last 15 minutes of that movie has made me a fan of who he really was.  It also made me think about what I do and who I really am.

Imagine if we all expressed our true selves, exposed for everyone to see.  I think the world would be a much better place for people to live.  I believe that many of us start out doing something with good intentions, but wind up just going through the motions on autopilot or moving along with the group, despite its direction, and lose ourselves in the process.  For those of us who have done that, it is a very worthwhile investment of time to rediscover who we really are, and strive to live up to that.

A Song for Ella

I wrote this over three years ago, a few months after Ella was born:


When I think of you all I do is smile
I'm comin' home, daydreamin' all the while
'Cause being away is tugging at my heart
All these miles between us are tearing me apart

I remember that day when you came into this world
There you were, a perfect little girl
Your mother and I - full of hope and nerves, oh boy
That's when I first had these wondrous tears of joy

I hear that thunder, and the cool spring rain
Bringing new life, and washing away the pain
It's all around us, like a gift from Him above
So innocent and pure - it's unconditional love
So many things remind me of that time
When I first saw that little girl of mine

And being away is tugging at my heart
All this miles between us are tearing me apart

I remember that day when you came into this world
And there you were, a perfect little girl
You're mother and I p full of hope and nerves, oh boy
That's when I first had these wondrous tears of joy

The last time I saw you was only two weeks ago
But each time I come home I see how much you've grown
I can't explain the feeling that's inside
Being your Daddy brings me so much pride
Your precious face, and the dimple in your cheek
Your big blue eyes watching me, the guidance that you seek

So many things to come, seeing you grow up
Walking and talking, and getting your first pup
Fifty years together doesn't seem like enough time
To spend my days with this little girl of mine
That's why I quit this long and lonely road today
To be close to you and watch you laugh and play

Cause being away was tugging at my heart
All those miles between us were tearing me apart

I remember that day when you came into this world
And there you were, a perfect little girl
Now here I am, to be with you and say
I'm so thankful for each and every day

Finding the Harmonies Among Dissonance

As the New Year approached, like most people, I found myself looking at what I'd like to accomplish in 2011.  After getting over the usual weight-loss thoughts and other self-improvements, I saw the common theme among all of my goals - finding the harmonies among the dissonance.

For me, it's a bit like listening for your child's voice in a room full of children - that instant recognition of what is familiar, and the comfort of what is native to you and your life.  You KNOW.

Life can often be like trying to paddle upstream in a canoe or a kayak.  If you're darting around or don't have a clear path then the current will slow you down or even stop you for a while, but if you have a clearly defined path and are heading straight toward it then each stroke becomes stronger and you glide upstream easily. The boat and paddle work together in harmony to cut through the current. However, the second you stop paddling because of some distraction or stray from your course, you lose ground.

It may take a few tries before you find your path, and sometimes you may even end up further downstream, but when you know what you're supposed to do and you do it despite the obstacles and barriers, your sense of self worth and accomplishment needs no praise.  You have found the harmonies among the dissonance of the rushing waters trying to pull you in another direction.  You have experienced this before.  It is native to you.  You KNOW.

To Know or Not Know

I've looked at quite a few subjects lately, both on personal and societal scales, and found myself wondering just when is ingorance bliss and when is it, well, ignorant?
Choosing to take the red or blue capsule a la The Matrix is a choice we have with any subject, really, if we choose. But what if your life seems happier not knowing the full truth? Is it really happier or are you just living a lie?

For example, I love a good burger, steak, grilled chicken breast or a honey-glazed ham, but do I really want to see what goes on at slaughter houses? I mean, I have seen some pictures and have a pretty good idea, but is it necessary to get all the gory details, and if I did, would I still eat meat? Hell, I rarely go fishing because I hate putting the bait on the hook and then hate having to rip the hook out of the fish after they're caught, but I still love seafood.

What about our nation's obsession with prescription drugs - would people be better off knowing that the drug they've been convinced to take by some clueless doctor, slick salesperson or brilliant marketing scheme is doing less for them then what simple nutritional supplements would do? What about if the drug is actually making them worse? Beyond that, do they really want to know that many of the drug companies know their drugs are causing harm and set aside hundreds of millions to settle lawsuits so that they can still pocket billions of dollars over time, regardless of the human cost in terms of patient side effects including sending droves of people to seek drug rehabilitation help, or even death?

And how about your religion? What if yours really wasn't the only true way to the afterlife, however you believe it to be? What if what your religious texts promise you were nothing but contrived scenes to control masses, or offer uplifting hope for them? I don't think it's bad to believe in something if it's meant to help you live your life better and treat others well, but it would be nice to have a way of knowing the absolute truth about the texts and history without having to simply trust the authority who is handing it down to you, assuming it is unaltered.

In sports, do performance enhancing drug scandals make you question your favorite players? Would it matter to you if most of the athletes were using, or if the leagues changed rules to allow them? Would you stop watching games and competitions if news broke that a large percentage of the players were cheating?

Regarding your kids, would you want to know the details about their sex lives and whether or not they used drugs or engaged in some other type of harmful or illegal activities even if they were always home on time, kept a job, never got in trouble and excelled in their studies?

Finding the man behind the curtain like The Wizard of Oz can take the wind out of our sails, but in many more situations it can also remove the fear or mystery surrounding the situation.

I believe that the full truth should be made available for all to know, if they choose to know, but they have to be willing to accept and deal with the truth if it is shockingly different from what they thought previously.

There may be a time and a place for everything, and the level of details can vary. I don't think kids have to be traumatized with images of slaughter houses before they decide to have a chicken nugget. It's not entirely necessary for me to know the detailed history of the secretive Federal Reserve before I spend my money. However, children should understand how animals become food, people should understand the realities of our nation's financial strucutre and we all should get the truth about what we put into our body, about our governments and our religions.